So. I removed the 'uni student' from my about me. I guess it was never reeeeeally accurate since I never even started. I guess today I'll be unenrolling. Ahhh fuck I don't know how much I wanna say. I know I'm gonna have to explain over and over again to people and I'm dreading it. Was the pride worth the dissappointed faces I'll now be met with? This is why I was hesitant about telling people. But I still did it, and now I have to face the consequences. It's not like I planned this out, it's not like I knew this is how it would turn out, I just found out yesterday. What was supposed to be my first day. I feel so tired just thinking about it. I don't really know how I feel, even after talking it out and uncovering emotions I didn't realize I was feeling. It's just another one of those times when I really hate being autistic. I think maybe one day I wanna make a page of good and bad autistic experiences.
I'm not particularly surprised that this outcome has resulted in existential dread. I guess. I'll just keep moving on. Try to find something that really calls out to me, instead of walking the path I think I'm supposed to be walking. It's really weird, cus I genuinely thought I wanted it. Maybe I should've realized it sooner.
I don't play Genshin Impact anymore, but I adore the soundtrack. I haven't listened to anything further than I've played, and typically I don't listen to much past Inazuma, but I adore it. Oh course, Mondstadt has some of my favourite music, because I had been playing basically since it came out. I think I started playing a week or two after? It's incredibly nostalgic, and I crave that feeling of playing it in the early days. How that felt. Alas, I can never get that feeling back, and I spent way too long trying to get it back before finally dropping it. Dragonspine has some beautiful songs on it and I find them incredibly comforting (they're literally on my playlist labled 'Comfort Playlist'). I love 'Chattering Snowflakes' and it is probably in my top 3 or 5 favourite Genshin songs. There's just something about it that really feels... like looking through time. Like looking to the future and knowing it's scary but also feeling hopeful for it. Seeing it be bright like sun shining on the snow. Like a blanket of comfort knowing that it's going to be ok. I don't know why my mind has assigned this meaning to it, but I suppose I'm greatful it has because it brings me so much comfort.
I've gone through just now and trimmed some songs that no longer bring me any particular comfort. I've had this playlist since 2022 so things are bound to change. The playlist is quite short compared to a lot of my other ones, because the theme is very specific. It's funny cus there's a bit of a wide variety in genres and energy. Just like almost any playlist I make, it can go to incredibly calm piano instumentals, to very upbeat songs. But even if they have very different vibes they still all bring me comfort.
Theres songs in here that... they give me comfort but they also make my heart hurt. Two of them being 'Where our blue is' by Tatsuya Kitani and 'If I Am With You' by Yoshimasa Terui, both from Jujustu Kaisen. Now JJK isn't the kind of anime I would really watch, I mostly watch queer romances, sometimes I'll dabble in other genres if there is queer romance included somewhere. Typically I steer clear of queer seeming character relationships that aren't explicitly canon. But when a friend described Gojo and Geto's relationship as Lovers to Enemies, rather then Enemies to Lovers, I got kind of hooked. I've seen both seasons of the anime, seen the movie, and had most of the manga spoiled for me (I don't know much about the in between bits, but I at least know the ending, it was a big deal in the friend group as it was coming out). Needless to say, I'm hopelessly attatched to these two characters and the relationship between them. I'm not even sure I can explain it in words right now. But they are the reason those songs are both comforting and make my heart break into many tiny pieces. I'll probably end up making a shrine to them one day when I can find the words to explain how important their relationship is. I probably would not have watched the whole anime if not for them. Of course there are other characters I like, one of my favourite characters being Inumaki, but the SatoSugu relationship is what constantly brings me back to the anime. I think about fictional characters relationships way too deeply and way too much.
Kai